Can I ask you something?

Think about a goal you’ve been carrying for a while. Something you keep coming back to. Something that matters to you.

Now ask yourself, is it really yours? Or is it being driven by fear?

Because here’s what I see over and over in my work as a psychologist specialized in anxiety: we set goals that look like aspirations but are actually running on anxiety.

This week on the Playing-it-Safe podcast, I’m talking about the three goal traps I see most, and why most of us don’t even realize we’re in them.

Show notes with time-stamps

0:00 The coaching client with the “wrong” goal
1:50 Playing-it-safe behavior #8: chasing outcomes and emotions you can’t control
2:55 Edwin Locke and Gary Latham’s goal-setting theory
3:49 Heidi Grant Halvorson: approach vs. avoidance goals
4:33 Tali Sharot’s research on the optimism bias & the arrival fallacy
5:15 Robert Emmons’ research on self-concordant goals
6:06 The values-based goals and actions exercise (ACT Workbook, chapter 6)
6:56 Identifying the internal obstacle to your values-based action
8:21 This week’s challenge: identify your goal type

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The rider knows exactly what needs to be done, but the elephant has decided not to move. Jonathan Haidt’s famous metaphor perfectly captures what it feels like to be stuck.

If you’ve ever sat at your desk staring at a blank screen or a looming project, you know exactly what that standoff feels like. It’s incredibly frustrating, and our immediate default is usually to blame ourselves, chalking it up to laziness or a lack of discipline.

But here’s the thing: your elephant isn’t lazy. There is actual behavioral science behind why your mind’s reasons for waiting sound so completely rational in the moment.

In this short, 10-minute episode, we look at how to stop debating the elephant and actually start moving.

Show notes with time-stamps

0:00 The moment right before you avoid something
1:00 Playing-it-safe behavior #7: overvaluing and over-identifying with your thoughts
2:05 Jonathan Haidt’s “rider and elephant” metaphor
2:53 Acceptance and Commitment Therapy on avoidance and psychological inflexibility
3:19 Barbara Fredrickson’s broaden-and-build theory
3:50 Psychological flexibility as the direct answer
4:31 The “thinking log” exercise for the next 7 days
6:11 “Your mind isn’t the oracle of truth:” reframing your inner advisory board
6:51 Dr. Z’s own most reliable “ruling-thought”

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Most overthinkers and overachievers believe that being hard on themselves is what keeps them sharp.

Kristin Neff’s research says the opposite. People with higher self-compassion show greater motivation after failure, not less. They persist more. And they procrastinate significantly less.

This week, on Playing-It-Safe, I’m going into the neuroscience of why self-criticism feeds procrastination, what Paul Gilbert’s three emotional regulation systems tell us, and what happened with a client who worked through the exercises in chapter four of my workbook.

This is the episode that tends to land hardest. Which usually means it’s the one you need most.

Show notes with time-stamps

0:00 The client stuck on a project she deeply cared about
1:38 Playing-it-safe behavior #9: criticizing and judging yourself negatively
1:58 The “second arrow” loop explained
3:06 Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion and motivation
3:45 Paul Gilbert’s three emotional regulation systems (threat, drive, soothing)
4:28 Carol Dweck’s growth mindset research
5:00 Why psychological flexibility matters
6:16 Dr. Z’s personal story of shooting “second arrows” at herself
6:54 This week’s challenge: name your second arrow

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Come continue the conversation on Instagram at ​@thisisdoctorz​.

Learn research-based skills and actionable steps to make better decisions, adjust to uncertain situations, make bold moves, & do more of what matters to you.

I had a friend who told me he hadn’t felt happy in years. Not depressed. Not anxious. Just… empty. And when I asked what he did for fun, he paused for a long time. “I don’t really know anymore,” he said.

Sonja Lyubomirsky’s research found that external achievements account for only about ten percent of lasting happiness. The forty percent within our control? It comes from how we spend our time and what meaning we attach to it.

This week’s podcast episode, I’m going into the psychology of why values-based living is the piece most productivity advice skips entirely, and why that gap is exactly where the emptiness lives.

If you’ve been feeling vaguely stuck without being able to name why, not necessarily burned out, not failing, just feeling off, this episode is for you.

Show notes with time-stamps

0:00 Phoebe’s 101st birthday story
1:13 Playing-it-safe behavior #8: discounting what you really want
2:09 Gabriele Oettingen’s research on mental contrasting
3:01 Deci and Ryan’s self-determination theory (autonomy, competence, relatedness)
3:53 Sonja Lyubomirsky on lasting wellbeing
4:05 Psychological flexibility meets values
4:54 Guided exercise: imagining your 101st birthday party
6:21 Viktor Frankl on meaning as a primary human drive
7:60 What will you do this week if you weren’t playing-it-safe?

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And if you want to map the gap in your own life, my free Values-Based Review, Life Audit is in the show notes.

Learn research-based skills and actionable steps to make better decisions, adjust to uncertain situations, make bold moves, & do more of what matters to you.

I’m back from a mini-break!

Every two weeks, I’ll bring you compassionate, evidence-based skills, based on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, to help you stop ‘playing-it-safe’ and start doing what truly matters to you!

Let’s retire the word “lazy.”

In today’s 10-min episode of the Playing-It-Safe Podcast, I break down exactly why the lazy label is sabotaging you.

If you have been calling yourself lazy for years, this episode is for you.

Show notes with time-stamps

0:00 The “lazy” client who wasn’t actually lazy
1:26 Playing-it-safe behavior #1: accepting negative stories about yourself
2:19 Martin Seligman’s research on learned helplessness
2:46 Paul Gilbert’s compassion-focused therapy & the threat response
3:08 Why psychological flexibility matters
3:47 Listener story from episode 93 on procrastination
4:18 The “Life Audit” exercise (from The ACT Workbook for the Anxious Procrastinator)
5:48 Arye Kruglanski’s research on values-driven action
6:27 Dr. Z’s personal story of calling herself lazy
7:07 This week’s challenge: notice and name the story

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And if you want to go deeper on your specific procrastination patterns, my free Procrastination Webinar is in the show notes.

Learn research-based skills and actionable steps to make better decisions, adjust to uncertain situations, make bold moves, & do more of what matters to you.