I just got back from Bolivia, the place where I grew up. This trip was a powerful, quiet reminder of a core truth about what it means to care.
Being loving is a value, not a destination
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), we learn to separate our feelings from our values. Feelings change all day long, they ebb and flow, come and go.
A value, on the other hand, is a chosen direction that you keep choosing through your actions. You never “complete” it.There is no day when you can finally cross “be loving” off your life’s to-do list.
Love and pain sit at the same table
This year, my family faced heavy health struggles compounded by aging. My mom was bitten by a mosquito and contracted Chikungunya, an infection that leaves severe joint and arterial pain. My Tía Sofía has been battling agonizing trigeminal neuralgia and recently broke her arm. My Tío Franklin lost mobility in his left arm and leg.
I’m grateful I was able to spend three full days with my tio, savoring every single minute of our time together, including every small detail of taking care of him minute by minute. As I watched him sit quietly in his wheelchair, I felt a familiar spike of fear: What if I’m not there when they need me? What if something happens while I’m thousands of miles away in California?
As I’ve said before, our fears don’t travel alone; they shift as our lives shift. To be human is to feel anxious, worried, or afraid. My fear of not being there comes from how much I love them.
Steve Hayes, one of the co-founders of ACT, often closes his emails with the phrase: “Love is not just a thing, it’s everything.” He’s so right. What hurts us most usually shows us what we care about. We don’t grieve things that don’t matter.
How “playing-it-safe” gets in our way
Most of us would love to keep the warmth of love without any vulnerability; but they are a package deal, they come together. When we try to shut down our pain in any way, we inevitably also shut down our capacity to love and to act in a loving way.
When we’re afraid of losing someone, or when our fears come up, we naturally go back to familiar “playing-it-safe” moves:
- We overthink everything that could go wrong.
- We rehash past mistakes.
- We judge ourselves harshly.
- We stay silent instead of speaking up.
- We bury ourselves in busyness.
Playing-it-safe makes complete sense. Something matters to you, it feels scary, it makes you feel anxious, so you play-it-safe to lower that discomfort immediately.
Over time, the more you play-it-safe, the further away you get from what matters most to you; the further you get from being truly present with the people you love.
What’s the loving thing you’re going to do today?
You don’t need to wait until the fear, anxiety and worries disappear before you act. You can let the fear ride and do the loving thing anyway. You don’t need to eliminate the doubt or discomfort first before stepping toward what matters. “Ready or not, here l come!” as Hank Robb, an ACT therapist, would say.
I can’t fix my family’s health from afar, but I can stay present and connected while things are hard.
I’m back in the Bay Area now. Giving my Tío Franklin un fuerte abrazo and telling him “te veo en diez semanas” was ultra hard, no doubt. I’m counting the days until I see him again.
In the meantime, I don’t let a single day go by without showing up to him, even while we live in two different countries.
Staying connected across long distances is far from perfect, but being loving is a verb.
Listen Here
Resources mentioned
- Procrastination webinar: How to Skillfully Tackle Procrastinating Behaviors → https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/webinar-act-for-procrastination/
- Playing-It-Safe Questionnaire (free) → https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-questionnaire/
- ACT Coaching for anxiety-based struggles → https://eastbaybehaviortherapycenter.com/act-coaching/
- Therapy at East Bay Behavior Therapy Center → https://eastbaybehaviortherapycenter.com/
