You’ve probably heard the advice: just show up. Just be there. And you do. You walk through the door, you sit at the table, you’re technically present.

But what if the phone in your hand, the seat near the exit, the constant questions you ask so no one ever asks you anything back … what if those are the very things quietly blocking the life you want to live?

That’s what this episode of the Playing-It-Safe podcast is about. The subtle safety crutches that nobody else sees, but you know are there.

Show notes with time-stamps

0:32 “Safety crutches:” the subtle ways we show up while hiding behind a shield
1:36 Why safety crutches are hard to spot
2:05 How the anxiety loop works: your mind as an “advisory board”
2:51 Everyday examples: phone checking, crossed arms, sitting near the exit
3:44 The relational cost: people can feel the distance
4:43 ACT framework: “safety behaviors” aren’t a character flaw
5:16 Salkovskis’ research: safety behaviors maintain anxiety long-term
5:59 Psychological flexibility and getting “stuck”
6:34 Why subtle safety behaviors are hard to see in yourself
7:18 The skill: dropping subtle safety behaviors
7:36 Step 1: Name your crutches without shame
8:00 Common social & professional safety behaviors
9:18 “What is this behavior protecting me from feeling?”
9:53 Your fear points to what matters most
10:31 Encouraging you to try mini experiments to drop your crutches one by one
11:18 Let anxious feelings be there instead of fighting them
12:03 Listener story: dropping the “talk non-stop” crutch
12:45 The big question: what do you want your life to feel like?
13:29 How safety crutches block genuine connection
13:50 Dr. Z shares her own safety crutch: overexplaining

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There is a reason reassurance never fully lands. It’s not because you asked the wrong person or didn’t search long enough.

It’s because certainty is not what’s actually available, and your mind knows it, which is why the loop starts again twelve minutes later.

Episode 102 of the Playing-It-Safe podcast is about the checking trap: what it is, why it works in the short run, and the ACT skill that actually interrupts it.

Show notes with time-stamps

0:00 The reassurance-seeking loop (texting, googling, checking again)
2:22 The hidden cost of reassurance: it trains your mind to need more of it
3:07 What reassurance-seeking is really costing you (judgment, relationships, life)
4:19 The psychology behind it: Stanley Rachman’s research on safety behaviors
5:18 Michael Dugas and the intolerance of uncertainty model
6:19 Skills you can try to interrupt a reassurance loop
9:24 Addressing the shame underneath reassurance-seeking
10:12 The values question: what is the checking protecting you from?
11:01 Dr. Z’s personal example
12:10 This week’s challenge: sit with uncertainty for 5 minutes

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He had a great presentation. His mind told him for two days it was a disaster, and it’s all because of four seconds.

That’s not self-reflection. That’s cognitive fusion. And it’s one of the most invisible playing-it-safe behaviors there is.

Episode 101 of the Playing-It-Safe podcast is about overvaluing your thoughts and the deceptively simple ACT skill that starts to untangle it.

Show notes with time-stamps

0:00 A friend’s presentation and the four seconds that haunted him
0:24 How the mind fixates on the “wrong” moment over everything that went right
0:50 Cognitive defusion (ACT)
1:45 How a thinking loop works
2:30 Choosing your thought relationship
2:54 The immense cost of over-identifying with your thoughts
3:52 What cognitive defusion means
4:08 Steven Hayes on defusion and literal truth
4:22 Research on stepping back from thoughts
4:44 Thomas Borkovec on thought suppression backfiring
5:15 Exercise: don’t think about dark chocolate
5:38 The ACT skill: thanking your mind
5:50 What thanking your mind (defusion) means
6:30 How to practice it, step 1: notice the thought as a thought
7:25 Step 2: thank your mind
8:04 Step 3: choose your response based on values, not the thought
9:02 A client’s story: staying in the conversation despite the thought
9:34 Your mind isn’t the oracle of truth
9:51 A question to consider: what if anxious thoughts were just weather?
10:25 Psychological flexibility doesn’t require your mind to change
10:51 Dr. Z’s own imposter thought
11:46 This week’s playing-it-safe behavior + mini assignment

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Gloria Mark’s research found that after a distraction, it takes an average of 23 minutes to return to the original task. Yup, 23 minutes. Not because you’re undisciplined. Because the digital world you live in was literally designed, using the same behavioral principles as slot machines, to pull your attention away from what matters.

In this episode you’ll also hear four concrete skills to help you stay focused and keep doing what matters to you, even when everything around you is pulling your attention somewhere else.

Show notes with time-stamps

0:00 The friend who understands his values but still can’t focus
1:58 Playing-it-safe behavior #6: checking, scrolling, and drifting
2:11 Gloria Mark’s research on task-switching and the 23-minute recovery
3:09 Matthew Crawford on attention as a contested resource
4:00 Nir Eyal’s research on internal triggers as the true driver of distraction
4:16 Cal Newport’s deep work research: focus as a trainable skill
4:37 Committed action and psychological flexibility
4:55 Four principles from chapter 8 of the ACT Workbook
5:05 Principle 1: The personal commitment statement
5:37 Principle 2: Environmental design before willpower
6:11 Principle 3: Progressive focus training
6:42 Principle 4: Compassionate coaching during focused work
8:42 This week’s challenge: design a focused work session

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And if you missed any of the episodes on procrastination, one of the most classic playing-it-safe moves out there, you can catch up here:

​Ep. 93 — Understanding Procrastination: The Psychological Processes Behind It​
​Ep. 94 — You’re Not Lazy, Your Mind is Just Very Good at This​
​Ep. 95 — Stop Chasing Goals. Start Living Your Values.​
​Ep. 96 — The Second Arrow: Why Being Hard on Yourself is Keeping You Stuck​
​Ep. 97 — Your Mind is Lying to You About Why You Can’t Start​
​Ep. 98 — The Goal Trap: Why Your Goals are Keeping You Stuck
Ep. 99 — You Don’t Have a Time Problem. You Have a Time Story.

Learn research-based skills and actionable steps to make better decisions, adjust to uncertain situations, make bold moves, & do more of what matters to you.

This week on the Playing-It-Safe podcast, we are diving deep into the psychology of time, procrastination, and flow.

We are bypassing the standard “productivity culture” advice and looking at what the research actually says!

This is the episode for the person who knows all the time management strategies and is still stuck.

Show notes with time-stamps

0:00 The friend who “worked better under pressure”
1:57 Using stories about time as permission to wait
2:58 Kahneman and Tversky’s planning fallacy
3:40 Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s research on flow states
4:38 Principle 1: Add a 25% time buffer to estimates
4:49 Principle 2: Energy scheduling over time scheduling
5:19 Principle 3: Designing for flow rather than efficiency
5:43 Principle 4: The two-minute completion focus
6:51 This week’s challenge: examine your beliefs about time

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And if you want to see the full picture of your playing-it-safe behaviors, not just around time, my free questionnaire is at thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-questionnaire.

Learn research-based skills and actionable steps to make better decisions, adjust to uncertain situations, make bold moves, & do more of what matters to you.

Can I ask you something?

Think about a goal you’ve been carrying for a while. Something you keep coming back to. Something that matters to you.

Now ask yourself, is it really yours? Or is it being driven by fear?

Because here’s what I see over and over in my work as a psychologist specialized in anxiety: we set goals that look like aspirations but are actually running on anxiety.

This week on the Playing-it-Safe podcast, I’m talking about the three goal traps I see most, and why most of us don’t even realize we’re in them.

Show notes with time-stamps

0:00 The coaching client with the “wrong” goal
1:50 Playing-it-safe behavior #8: chasing outcomes and emotions you can’t control
2:55 Edwin Locke and Gary Latham’s goal-setting theory
3:49 Heidi Grant Halvorson: approach vs. avoidance goals
4:33 Tali Sharot’s research on the optimism bias & the arrival fallacy
5:15 Robert Emmons’ research on self-concordant goals
6:06 The values-based goals and actions exercise (ACT Workbook, chapter 6)
6:56 Identifying the internal obstacle to your values-based action
8:21 This week’s challenge: identify your goal type

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