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A few years ago, I had an exchange with a friend who was organizing a professional conference for anxiety experts. It went something like this:

• Friend: “Patricia, I cannot put your name for that training; this other friend has been giving it for the last seven years.”
• Me: “I see. I’ve written three books on this topic, my practice revolves around anxiety, I’ve been a full-time practitioner for over 14 years. And still, none of that seems to be enough.”
• Friend: “Sorry, I cannot assign your name for that workshop.”
• Me: “I understand, and it feels wrong. I’m being excluded not because I’m unqualified, but because of politics—this person has done it for seven years, as if they own the topic.”

As we hung up, tears welled up in my eyes. The sting of rejection was sharp and immediate.

Why did it hurt so much? Why couldn’t I let it go?

Rejection is painful in all forms.

But this instance hit particularly close to home.

For days afterward, I found myself replaying the conversation, trying to understand why it hurt so deeply. I needed to unpack my feelings and approach them with curiosity rather than judgment.

The Power of Reflection: What Is Rejection Telling You?

Rejection often feels personal, even when it’s not.

Behavioral science and positive psychology teaches us that emotional pain can serve as an ally; by leaning into the discomfort rather than avoiding it, you can uncover insights about ourselves and our values.

Here are some reflective questions to explore when you’re grappling with rejection:

• What emotions or sensations am I experiencing right now, and what actions might each one of them be signaling?
• What does my mind tell me that this rejection means to me?
• What do I deeply care about that this rejection has highlighted?
• If my hurt was my ally, what was it trying to communicate? What was it trying to show me?

For me, the hurt illuminated something important: I deeply care about sharing evidence-based skills that empower people to live boldly, in the face of anxiety.

The rejection wasn’t just about being passed over for a workshop; it was about being denied an opportunity to do meaningful work aligned with my values, despite my competence.

Evidence-Based Skills to Manage Rejection

(1) Commit to Value-Driven Action

When rejection leaves you feeling stuck, taking small, purposeful actions aligned with your values can help you move forward. It’s not about ignoring the rejection; it’s about acting despite it and while feeling uncomfortable.

Why It Works

Studies in ACT suggest that taking action toward your values—even in small ways—can increase psychological flexibility, which helps you adapt to challenges and stay on track (Hayes et al., 2006).

How to Apply It

• • Identify one small step that aligns with your values, no matter how minor it seems.
  • The goal isn’t perfection or grand gestures, it’s consistency.

(2) Focus on Psychological Flexibility

Psychological flexibility is about staying open to life’s ups and downs while staying true to what matters most. It’s the ability to adapt, pivot, and find new paths when one door closes.

Why It Works

Research shows that psychological flexibility is a key predictor of mental well-being (Kashdan & Rottenberg, 2010). People who can stay flexible in the face of challenges tend to experience less emotional distress and greater life satisfaction.

How to Apply It

• • When you feel stuck, remind yourself that rejection is not the end, it’s a redirection.

(3) Create a Values-Based Rejection Plan

One of the most empowering ways to handle rejection is to plan ahead for it. This doesn’t mean expecting failure—it means knowing how to respond in a way that aligns with your values. By preparing, you can navigate future rejections with greater ease and clarity.

Why It Works

A study published in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people who plan their responses to emotional setbacks feel more in control and recover faster (Ayduk et al., 2008). A rejection plan helps you focus on constructive actions rather than reactive emotions.

How to Apply It

• • Write down your core values, and for each value, brainstorm three values-based actions you can engage in if rejection occurs.

(4) Practice Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is not about avoiding discomfort or pretending rejection doesn’t hurt—it’s about treating yourself with the care and understanding you deserve.

Why It Works

When we face rejection, it’s easy to spiral into harsh self-judgment, but by making room for the emotional hurt and reminding ourselves that rejection is part of being human, self-compassion helps us choose our values-based actions.

How to Apply It

• • Acknowledge your feelings without judging them or judging yourself. Coach yourself with compassionate self-talk, such as: “I’m disappointed, this is hard. This shows how much this opportunity meant to me.”

Last Words on Rejection

Rejection isn’t a reflection of your worth. It’s a sign that it is time for redirection.

Redirection regarding where you invest your time, whom you surround yourself with, the annoying emotions and thoughts you need to make room for, and how much effort you dedicate to relationships or projects in the service of building the life you want to build.

Each experience of rejection acts like a recalibration of your personal GPS, guiding you to reassess what truly matters and informing the next steps you need to take in alignment with your core values.