Willingness

Willingness

by | Thinking repetitively about future and past painful feelings, events and failures

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H ave you ever done a willingness workout?

What comes to your mind when reading the word “willingness?”

Some of my clients have heard words like “open up, sit with, make room for it… ” and so on.

The challenge is that without a context, all those words don’t have any meaning unless you make a decision, a choice, a commitment with yourself to experience “x and all the stuff” ​that comes when facing uncomfortable situations.

So, just to clarify when referring to willingness, I’m not referring to a feeling or something abstract, but to a choice that you can make towards a particular uncomfortable experience you have been struggling with in the name of your values.

Blindly playing-it-safe can be exhausting and draining.

You don’t have to love, approve of, or even like all the content your mind comes up with. I’m asking you to learn to make room for these thoughts as they are and look at the thoughts as stuff your mind comes up with rather than as stuff that you always have to listen to.

Call to action

  • What would make what you are going through here honorable and purposeful?
  • You don’t have to do this perfectly—just get from point A to point B.
  • What do you want to stand for here?
  • Is there anything standing in the way of you and what you want to be about here?

What is your mind avoiding?

One of the clever things our mind does is push away, replace, or stop our thinking when we are having uncomfortable thoughts, images or memories. This process is called cognitive avoidance or thought avoidance. Here is how cognitive avoidance plays out in some hypothetical scenarios:

  • You had a terrible fight with your friends, and memories from this fight pop up every day. Naturally, you try to replace these upsetting memories with positive ones, such as the last day trip you took with your friend.
  • When thinking about your partner traveling to South Africa, you have a thought about her dying in a car accident. The next thing you know, you’re telling yourself to stop thinking that horrible thought.

    Here is our invitation for a way to move forward: What about learning to have all those thoughts—the sweet, old, and ugly ones—without pushing, forcing, or pushing them down?

     

    How to shift from cognitive avoidance to  

 

 

Do you want to get unstuck from wrestling with worries, fears, anxieties, obsessions, and ineffective playing-it-safe actions?

Learn research-based skills and actionable steps to make better decisions, adjust to uncertain situations, make bold moves, and do more of what matters to you.

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Breaking free from worry loops

Breaking free from worry loops

by | Searching for certainty, predictability, & re-assurance, Thinking repetitively about future and past painful feelings, events and failures

Picture this scenario: you encounter an ambiguous and uncertain situation, and then, of course, you quickly try to solve it. You anticipate all types of scenarios and try to prepare for each one of them, without realizing you are worrying and consumed with anxiety.

Worry is primarily a thought-based process, and that’s what makes it tricky. 

We’ll worry from time to time; that’s unavoidable. But playing-it-safe by worrying all the time takes a hefty toll on your well-being, happiness, and relationships.

In this episode, I interview Dr. Chad Lejeune, Ph.D.

We discussed the subtleties of worrying, what keeps worry cycles, and the importance of developing a new relationship with your mind. In the second part of the interview, I shared with Chad an unexpected situation I encountered when traveling, and we used that event as an opportunity to discuss micro-skills to manage uncertainty, what-if thoughts, and reassurance-seeking and information-seeking behaviors.

Key Takeaways

  • How to develop a new relationship with thinking
  • How to distinguish effective problem-solving from ineffective one
  • Understanding fear and anxiety
  • Defining worry and its impact
  • The role of worry thoughts
  • Distinguishing between productive and nonproductive worry
  • The consequences of worry
  • Addressing beliefs about worry
  • Changing our relationship with our thoughts
  • Dealing with unexpected situations
  • Embracing uncertainty and ambiguity
  • The anxious brain and uncertainty
  • Productive thoughts and problem-solving
  • The power of narratives and storytelling
  • The distinction between problem solving and creating narratives
  • The danger of excessive information seeking
  • The power of accepting uncertainty
  • The importance of learning from the past

About Chad Lejeune, Ph.D.

Dr. Chad LeJeune is a professor of psychology at the University of San Francisco. He has more than 30 years experience treating people with anxiety problems. He is a founding fellow of the Academy of Cognitive Therapy, and was among the first clinicians to receive training in acceptance and commitment therapy. He lives and works in San Francisco.

Dr. LeJeune offers compassionate, focused, research-supported treatment for individuals and couples using both Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. He specializes in the treatment of anxiety-related problems.

worry<br /> playing-it-safe, shame, feeling lost, understand your actions, play-it-safe, negative thoughts, loneliness, perfectionistic actions

Resources

Resources from Dr. Z.’s desk

Show notes with time stamps

00:27 Understanding Fear and Anxiety
01:26 Defining Worry and Its Impact
02:27 Distinguishing Between Worry and Problem Solving
05:50 The Consequences of Worry
06:43 Addressing Beliefs About Worry
11:27 Changing Our Relationship with Our Thoughts
17:41 Practical Example: Dealing with Unexpected Situations
22:59 The Power of Productive Thoughts
23:56 The Mind’s Narratives and Their Impact
25:46 The Distinction Between Problem Solving and Worrying
28:15 The Power of Acceptance and Living in the Present
28:20 The Pitfalls of Excessive Information Seeking
29:12 The Role of Google in Reassurance Seeking
32:29 The Importance of Embracing Uncertainty
34:53 Reflections on the Past and the Future

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Embracing self-acceptance, self-compassion, and self-exploration

Embracing self-acceptance, self-compassion, and self-exploration

by | Accepting negative stories about myself and questioning my abilities, Doing things right, perfect & precisely: perfectionism

We all experience anxiety in some form, in some way, and in some shape. Because anxiety, fears, and worries can be so uncomfortable, we quickly play-it-safe. And when you’re prone to deeply caring for what you do – as high-achievers, strivers, and perfectionists – then the fears of being a failure or not being good enough are amplified.

In this conversation, Annick Seys and I discussed the many layers in which these fears show up and how nourishing your observer-self can shift from self-criticism into self-acceptance, from self-judgment into self-compassion, and from emotional avoidance into curious behaviors.

Cultivating your observer-self isn’t just about self-distancing; it is about your well-being and living a purpose-driven life.

Key Takeaways

About Annick Seys

As the founder of the 4-year training course to become a contextual behavioral therapist, Annick is one of the founders of the development of a therapy course that can be considered one of the most precise, effective, and innovative ways to work with people, teams, and organizations on change behavior. To achieve this, Annick worked with a number of leading professors from various universities worldwide.

Today, Annick supports people who are at the top of their organization or company internationally to develop greater mental flexibility, focus, and wisdom in which they can more effectively achieve their goals and guide their organization through all the challenges that come with it.

self-acceptance<br /> self-compassion

Resources

Resources from Dr. Z.

Show notes with time stamps

00:31 Understanding Fear-Based Reactions
01:00 The Struggles of Time Management
01:07 Dealing with Disappointments and Failures
05:31 Exploring Self-Acceptance
06:01 The Ongoing Exercise of Self-Acceptance
11:45 Unpacking the Fear of Failure
14:12 The Impact of Toxic Positivity
17:47 Tapping into the Observer Self
18:01 Exercises to Connect with the Observer Self
20:50 Understanding the Observer Self
24:03 Experiencing Different Moods
26:11 Relating to Past Experiences
29:59 Overcoming the Fear of Failure

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How to navigate rejection sensitivity and playing-it-safe behaviors

How to navigate rejection sensitivity and playing-it-safe behaviors

by | Assuming responsibility of important matters & others’ well-being, Criticizing, judging, & attacking yourself

Do you find yourself anxiously anticipating rejection in everyday situations?

The fear of being rejected or judged leads to a hyper-awareness of others’ facial expressions, opinions, or anticipation of rejection. It’s like you’re expecting others will reject you and interpret a situation using those lenses. This interplay between rejection sensitivity and anxiety influences how you navigate your relationships.

Understanding the root of rejection sensitivity and its connection to anxiety is pivotal to stop playing-it-safe automatically.

In today’s episode, I interview Ozlem Ayduk, Ph.D.

We delve deeper into the psychological processes behind rejection sensitivity and anxiety. You will hear practical strategies to break free from the shackles of rejection sensitivity and anxiety.

Key Takeaways

  • Self-distancing
  • Rejection sensitivity
  • What maintains rejection sensitivity
  • The relationship between experiential avoidance and rejection sensitivity
  • How ambiguous situations are triggers for responses driven by rejection sensitivity
  • The use of self-talk 
  • Is it helpful to be highly sensitive in certain contexts? When and where? 
  • The upsides or benefits of high emotional sensitivity
  • Can someone struggle with rejection sensitivity without a history of rejection? 
  • The intersection of emotion regulation and rejection sensitivity
  • Is rejection sensitivity dysphoria different or the same as rejection sensitivity? 

About Ozlem Ayduk, Ph.D.

Ozlem Ayduk worked as a postdoctoral fellow at Columbia University for three years before heading west to California in 2002 to join the U.C. Berkeley department of psychology as an assistant professor. She became an associate professor in 2009, and a full professor in 2015. Ayduk is a co-director of the Relationship and Social Cognition Lab at U.C. Berkeley.

In addition to teaching, Ayduk has been active with professional psychology societies. She is a fellow at the Society of Experimental Social Psychology and served on its executive board (2015–2018). She is also a fellow at the Society for Personality and Social Psychology, where she served on the grant review panel (2016–2017) and a three-year term on the board of directors (2018–2020).

Resources

Resources from Dr. Z.

Show notes with time-stamps

01:00 Exploring Rejection Sensitivity: Insights and Interviews
02:03 Deep Dive into Rejection Sensitivity with Dr. Ozlem Ayduk
02:23 Year-End Reflections and Personal Growth Tools
17:49 Understanding Self-Distancing and Its Techniques
 

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When self-compassion gets tough: navigating common barriers

When self-compassion gets tough: navigating common barriers

by | Accepting negative stories about myself and questioning my abilities, Criticizing, judging, & attacking yourself

Self-compassion is the willingness to respond to your pain and suffering in the same way a good friend of yours might–with warmth, patience, and understanding. That sounds easy, right? But you know it isn’t.

For many, self-criticism is a classic playing-it-safe move. It’s like your mind is a champion at criticizing you in response to those moments in which you feel anxious about something that has happened or could happen.

Which of the following fear statements resonate with you?

  • If I’m kind to myself, I will become a weak person.
  • I need to be hard on myself or I will never get everything done.
  • I don’t deserve kindness.
  • A harsh approach keeps me from making mistakes or keeps me disciplined.
  • Self-criticism motivates me all the time.

Ask yourself: “Am I afraid of compassion?”

In this episode, I chat with Paul Gilbert, the developer of Compassion – Focused Therapy.

Key Takeaways

About Paul Gilbert

Paul Gilbert, Ph.D. is a Professor of Clinical Psychology at the University of Derby and Visiting Professor at the University of Queensland. He has researched evolutionary approaches to mental health alongside clinical work as a Consultant Clinical Psychologist for over 40 years in the NHS.

He founded and developed Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) and established the Compassionate Mind Foundation in 2006 which promotes wellbeing through facilitating the scientific understanding and application of compassion. He has over 300 publications including 22 books.

Self-compassion

Resources

Resources from Dr. Z’s desk

Show notes with time-stamps

01:00 Exploring Self-Compassion with Paul Gilbert
03:42 The Journey of Developing Compassion Focused Therapy
08:03 Practical Self-Compassion and Its Impact
17:54 Understanding and Practicing Forgiveness
23:16 Navigating Anger Through Self-Compassion
 

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